Choosing from a broken place.

It took me over three years to reach this space in my life, where healing has yielded the most beautiful results. I learned not to hold onto anger for too long in my early twenties, and the practice of acceptance and allowing myself the time and space to feel and release my feelings has helped me usher in the most beautiful chapter of my life. 

I love that healing allowed me to reunite with myself, a part of me I thought lost forever, buried beneath the belief that I was someone unworthy of what I deserved because the one I thought could provide that energy proved to be incapable.

There are several moments where we believe that the blame falls entirely on us, we go inward for all the wrong reasons, we search inside of ourselves for justification for how we are mistreated.. believing the lies told to us about us by people whom we thought would be honest and just as devoted as we are capable of being but eventually and hopefully, one begins to wake up to start climbing out of a grave that was slowly becoming a home or what could be percieved as a final resting place. 

I'm glad I didn't stay there; I'm always happier when I let go. I think in the moment, fear plagues us, keeps us stuck. What was beneficial for me was that I had no more love or genuine care in my body, finding myself in a space from which I'd be taken from but given nothing. It was easy to make up my mind to walk away once I healed because the person I'd become would never choose the person who would ultimately let me down. You see, healing helps you find the version of you that existed before things took a turn, I like to think that there is a checkpoint right before you entire a relationship and when that relationship ends, you get to go right back to that starting point, the trick is….you reunite with that person, you remember what it was and how much better it used to be or in truth, how much easier it was before you chose the wrong person. You get to meet that person again, and you remember the plan, you remember the hopes you had, and the life you led before your life became intertwined with someone who only had the chance with you because you were choosing from a place that hadn't yet healed from all the trauma from before.

Listen, I had gone through so much in my life, we all have, but there's something about a serious relationship that brings all of those things up to the surface. You eventually realize that your relationship is a representation of all the things you've repressed over the years. I just think it's much easier to be alone with those things or single, no expectations.. It's easier to live with that trauma when you're not connected to another person, but subconsciously, that trauma draws you into relationships that will require you to break. Hopefully, it's in that breakdown that you realize it's time to heal. 

I can never be entirely upset about my situation. Sometimes, people write to me to say that they're sorry or are attempting to send me comfort, but I wish they knew just how happy one can be when they're no longer in a relationship that represents all the pain they've acquired over a lifetime. I wish people knew that at one point my scale screamed 300 pounds, or that my books began to barely leave the shelves, my inspiration was low and I'd considered suicide several times, almost thinking or believing that my kids wouldn't love me because eventually they'd see as the coward who stayed in a relationship that resembled everything I promised I'd never want or hold on to. I wish I had done a better job of representing what I fully felt instead of leading you, the person reading this, to believe that I was okay and happy. However, you read the books, and something never seemed quite right, right?

But all is forgiven, not because of anyone else but myself. Forgiveness has been the greatest gift I've given to myself, and the light I've acquired because of it has been transmuted into a deeper connection and love for my children and all the people who genuinely care for me.

I hope this speaks to you… I come from a place of healing, joy, and peace. I'm sitting at my dining room table writing this while considering a nap, a movie, or a snack lol. I'm writing you from a place of peace that is always out of reach for those who don't align, and there is something in me that wants you to reach this place as well, because after everything you've been through, you deserve to feel free. 

If there's anything you take from this… I hope you remember that healing is essential. The world can be on fire, and peace can still thrive within your heart because you've made space for it by doing inner work, observing your emotional truths, and forgiving yourself for choosing people from a broken place.

I want to say I love you, but I don't want to make it weird, so I'll just say… take care, thanks for reading.